Dear Alise: Rediscovering Your Confidence

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Dear Alise,
Since breaking up with my longtime cheating boyfriend a few months ago, I’ve been living in a cloud of zero confidence. As a rational career-driven woman I know a man should not define you but I can’t help feeling like my sense of worth as a woman has taken a blow. What can I do to gain some much needed confidence, and push what my rat of an ex did far from my mind?




Dear Missing Woman Power,

I’m sorry to hear you’ve been feeling zero confidence since your nasty breakup. Even as independent women, we are not immune to hits on our confidence when faced with disillusionments, even from those we love. Confidence is a great driving force in our lives, so when we lack it, everything around us starts to crumble.

In fact, you have probably become your worst critic right now. Those whispers of doubt looming in your head have taken fruit. You have started to compare yourself to other women and found yourself lacking. It is so easy to start to imagine those pesky extra pounds on our hips, our career choices less exciting, and finding “Mr. Right” that more impossible by the second.

These thoughts can be destructive. They can lead us to undervalue our worth as powerful women. Willing to risk sounding like a hallmark card, the biggest advice I can give you is to love yourself. It’s simple but for many of us very hard to do, especially when we feel unloved. The key is mind over matter.

To gain some of that “self-love” back, I suggest you find your equilibrium. How? Rediscover who you are. To do so you’ll need to have a little heart to heart with yourself. I want you to take a sheet of paper and write a diary of what you’re feeling about your break up, not mincing anything and allowing your hurt feelings to pore through the pages. Once you’ve written it all down, it’s time to have a little bonfire. In a fire pit (or somewhere safe for a bonfire) start to ripe a piece of your diary entry at a time, and as you throw each piece to the fire, I want you to say out loud one positive thing about yourself. You’ll be surprised how liberating it is afterwards.

Once you’ve had your cleanse, it’s time to enter the world of the living again. Your bruised feelings are completely understandable, but don’t allow them or your ex to be your clutch. It is much too easy to get discouraged and back down from enjoying life to the fullest if we feel out of place or worse, unworthy.

Confidence comes in different forms. You have those individuals who usurp confidence by tearing down other people’s self worth. But this isn’t true confidence but rather insecurity wrapped in pretty paper. Not what we should aspire to be. Now you have those people who exude a natural confidence that comes from within that you can spot the moment they enter a room. Whether through self-discovery and/or a natural affinity, they have learned to love themselves–not in an egotistic way but rather a wholesome way. So despite their flaws, they can rejoice in the things that make them who they are without nee

It’s important to remember to take the journey of rediscovery one step at a time. A change of scenery is a great confidence booster. It pushes us out of our funk and learn new things about ourselves in the process. Meetup is a great site for meeting new people at events and excursions near you based on any interest you may have. There is also plenty of online communities like fitfam on twitter, a social media community of health and fitness conscious individuals, where you can go to when you’re needing advice, encouragement and support on any fitness journey. Being around a positive environment is so important when you’re at a low time low. The opposite can be said about being negative people so distance yourself from the bad element and surround yourself with positive energies. You’ll be surprised how your outlook changes.

If you’re looking for a more solitary route, there are plenty of ways to shake up routine and the pesky voice in your head that wants you to continue avoiding looking into a mirror and seeing how absolutely beautiful you are. Go pamper yourself to a luxurious spa, make a three course meal from your favorite cookbook, laugh out loud when you miss a step on a dance video you found on YouTube. Put on those killer heels in your closet, Splurge on a makeup bonanza at Sephora or try rock climbing for the first time. The key is to be active no matter what you pick. These may seem trivial things, but they can help restore the respect for yourself, the acknowledge of your accomplishments, and the reality that you should never let anyone define you but you.

Remember the biggest love affair you can have is with yourself. When you discover your SELF, and love it unconditionally, the world is your oyster.




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1 Comment on "Dear Alise: Rediscovering Your Confidence"

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Ana De Jesus

Wow you should be a therapist. I too struggle with self- confidence because of my past and I am my own worst critic. It can be difficult to break out of that cycle.

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