Now ladies, most of us have been there, and if not personally than we know a friend who has fallen for that bad boy in the past (or even recently). And despite knowing they’re poison, we still drink them up like a fine wine. Time and time again, we are in a mental battle that roughly goes like this:
I want you. I need you. What the fu*k was I thinking?
Even your friends tell you he’s an idiot, and if you’re like me, you’re the biggest idiot because you repeat this cycle more than once.
I wised up eventually, but it didn’t happen the way I thought it would – which was by meeting a good guy. One that killed me with consistency, honesty, dates, flowers, and all the things I deserved, making me forget the other assholes that came before. Truth is, I didn’t need anyone to “show” me what I’d been missing. By exploring my relationship patterns, I saw I was using bad boys to compensate for what was lacking in my own life. A lot of the qualities I was continually attracted to were the ones I wished for myself. That’s when I set out to cultivate these traits instead of seeking them.
Essentially, I became a “bad girl” – but on my own terms – and when this happened, I stopped looking outside myself for that elusive edge.
I evaluated a man objectively as a potential partner, instead of being captivated by his bad boy charm. It was not a romantic process of being won over by a “good guy,” but rather an empowering one that has made a more interesting person out of me. If you’re a “good girl” who finds herself constantly frustrated by her “bad boy” tendencies, get honest with yourself and consider the following:
You lack confidence.
Bad boys are typically assholes, and assholes get the girl. Besides the plight of many a friendzoned, it’s also your misfortune because you’re the girl who ends up falling for the asshole. Why? Because he has confidence. These guys know they’re going to “get” you. And you love it. I’m not advocating settling for a pansy or downplaying the importance of confidence in a mate. But I am saying that once you develop your own high level of self-assuredness, you won’t stand to be treated anything less than royalty. When I started thinking and speaking positively about myself, a funny thing happened. I began treating myself really well because I deserved it. If you had only one of something – and that thing is beautiful, smart, funny, and creative – how would you care for it? You’d nurture the sh*it out of right? Well, that something – or someone – is YOU. By loving from a place of self-love, asshole behavior is simply not tolerated anymore. Obsess over treating yourself well, and you’ll find someone who is obsessed with you – which is what a queen like you deserves.
You care too much about what other people think.
I dated someone who honestly did not give a shit what other people thought of him. Because of this, some of his behavior was embarrassing; but some of it was pretty awesome because he took risks where others would not. And it was attractive … until I learned he also did not give a shit about me. He didn’t care about hurting my feelings. However, from him I learned how to speak up for myself. Partially because he was always shitting on my writing and I needed to stand up for my work, and also by studying how he addressed others, myself included. I took from this relationship clarity and conviction of my own path, but substituted his selfishness with my compassion. By quieting the noise of others, I was free to be more myself and attract those that fit my wavelength – which guess what, are NOT bad boys.
You’re not following your passions.
A lot of people – women especially – get caught up in “helping” their significant other reach their full potential and become a “better” person. Let me tell you, that does not work. It only does if your mate is willing on his or her own, and even then, you’re in for a hard road. I find that loving someone “as is” works best. Think of it is an expensive article of clothing. You wouldn’t pay bookoo dollars for something that needs to be altered anyway. For that kind of money, it should fit perfectly. With relationships, you are paying in time and love – the most valuable currencies of all. I’ve been guilty of bending over backwards to play muse to a moody artist or inspire a struggling entrepreneur. Though they were interesting and cool, they weren’t always great matches for me. I had to ask myself why?
It turns out I wasn’t so in love with them, but more in love with their potential. That was a hard truth because it meant I wasn’t actually living up to my own potential.
Instead of pushing myself, I was pushing them – which is never a good dynamic for a couple. By pursuing my own neglected passions, I became the talent instead of trying to date it. Now, when I meet someone whose work I admire, I may be awed by their aptitude, but no longer confuse it for compatibility or character.
Self-exploration has been the most empowering way for me to finally break this toxic cycle. Once you embody the qualities you are so taken with, you’re not as awestruck by the “bad boy” because the persona is familiar to you. It IS you.